"As far as...?"
"You know, with the loss of your mom and what not. We haven't really had a chance to see how you have been."
Lecie is someone that loves her friends and loves life. She believes laughing is important and enjoying good company is essential. She is a very free spirited, outgoing person. And she happens to be brave enough to ask me a question like the one she asked. I was spending time with Lecie and her husband Heath down in Texas. Just a few hours before this moment, we were all celebrating a wedding, which I was honored to be the officiate of. This was the last night all of us were going to be together before I flew home and they were to drive south. It was the first time we had a moment to really engage in meaningful conversation about what our lives were looking like.
Let me backtrack.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014. 4:00 pm.
As I prepared for our weekly junior high youth group, I had put on the movie Frozen over our projector. Several students showed up after school got out. The Youth Room was a place for them to find food and entertainment while waiting for youth group to start.
"Pastor Bryan, there is a guy here that wants to see you."
I approached the gentlemen at the door. He introduced himself as the Lewis County Chaplin. The next few moments of my life became the most difficult moments I've ever faced. Upon hearing about the Sheriff's Dept. finding my mom and uncle both deceased in my mothers home that morning, I quickly realized just how abruptly your life can change. I have never lost someone so close to me until I lost my mom. There isn't anything in this life that can prepare you or teach you how to handle a situation like that. I was instantly, and literally, crying out to God for comfort and strength.
The following weeks after my mothers death were incredibly busy. The church, community, and all of our friends and family surrounded us with the upmost love and support. I am still shocked, even as I write these words, at how many people reached out to me. But amidst all of the craziness, the services, packing her belongings, etc. my mind wasn't able to really grasp the reality.
Summer quickly rolled around. As a youth pastor, summers can be the busiest time of year. My wife and I got ahead of the season by taking a mini vacation to Newport, Oregon. June brought in a wedding, graduations, baccalaureate's, and a mission trip to San Francisco with the senior high youth group. July brought in another wedding to officiate, a holiday weekend, two weeks of camps, and discovering the gender of our firstborn child. August brought us Mossyrock's Blueberry Festival (a very large opportunity for fundraising for our students), and the preparation of the upcoming school year, as well as preparing for my 2 weeks of vacation for hunting. Then it was late September and there I was, sitting in Texas, after just performing my third wedding of the summer. Sitting with dear friends.
I stopped and thought about what Lecie had asked. My mind raced through a hundred different thoughts. My heart didn't know which emotion to choose. In the blink of an eye, the whole summer flashed through my memory. Then I opened my mouth, and let every vulnerable thought and emotion come out through my words. I explained to my friends how hard this last summer had been. Up until then, only my wife had seen and heard my struggles. I shared with Heath and Lecie that every where I went, I thought about my mom. When I was a teenager, my mom and step dad would take the family on a two week vacation every summer. We traveled everywhere! One summer, we went completely around the state of Washington. Another summer took us through Oregon. Beaches, mountains, redwoods, ferry rides, rolling hills, lakes, rivers, all of these were destinations we sought out. And no matter what I was doing during the summer, everywhere I went reminded me of my mom. But the hardest part about all of it, was the random thought I would have as I drove past something that reminded me of her. The thought of, "Hey, you should call your mom and see what she's up to! Let her know that you just drove past ________." You can guess what it was like for me to be slapped by reality. All of us have moments where we talk to ourselves. The worst words I've shared with my self are, "You can't call her anymore."
July was by far the hardest month for me. It seemed like I was reminded of my mom constantly. You wouldn't believe how many times I thought about calling her. But you can probably guess how hard it was realizing the truth every time.
September has been a better month. I think I've really accepted reality. Thinking about her becomes easier. Talking about her with my wife is easier. Dreaming about her still rattles me though.
I was grateful that Lecie was truly interested in how I was handling the loss of my mom and uncle. I NEVER want to talk about things that make other people sad, so... I never told people how I was coping with things.
But I feel like now is a good time to communicate with people how I have been navigating the whole thing.
Now is also a good time for me to encourage others. If you have spent the last few minutes reading this, please note that caring for someone and asking them how they are handling a traumatic loss does not have to be scary. I was not offended by Lecie. When a caring individual asks a caring question, most people understand that it's all in love. I appreciated Lecie reaching out. If you are going through loss, please know, God's love brings us a peace that penetrates our pain and sorrows. This world didn't have an answer for me. The people closest to me offered love, but weren't able to remove the pain. God carried me through. He was and is, the only answer.
Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
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