After the loss.

"So, like, how are you doing with everything?"

"As far as...?"

"You know, with the loss of your mom and what not. We haven't really had a chance to see how you have been."

Lecie is someone that loves her friends and loves life. She believes laughing is important and enjoying good company is essential. She is a very free spirited, outgoing person. And she happens to be brave enough to ask me a question like the one she asked. I was spending time with Lecie and her husband Heath down in Texas. Just a few hours before this moment, we were all celebrating a wedding, which I was honored to be the officiate of. This was the last night all of us were going to be together before I flew home and they were to drive south. It was the first time we had a moment to really engage in meaningful conversation about what our lives were looking like.

Let me backtrack.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014. 4:00 pm.
As I prepared for our weekly junior high youth group, I had put on the movie Frozen over our projector. Several students showed up after school got out. The Youth Room was a place for them to find food and entertainment while waiting for youth group to start.

"Pastor Bryan, there is a guy here that wants to see you."

I approached the gentlemen at the door. He introduced himself as the Lewis County Chaplin. The next few moments of my life became the most difficult moments I've ever faced. Upon hearing about the Sheriff's Dept. finding my mom and uncle both deceased in my mothers home that morning, I quickly realized just how abruptly your life can change. I have never lost someone so close to me until I lost my mom. There isn't anything in this life that can prepare you or teach you how to handle a situation like that. I was instantly, and literally, crying out to God for comfort and strength.

The following weeks after my mothers death were incredibly busy. The church, community, and all of our friends and family surrounded us with the upmost love and support. I am still shocked, even as I write these words, at how many people reached out to me. But amidst all of the craziness, the services, packing her belongings, etc. my mind wasn't able to really grasp the reality.
Summer quickly rolled around. As a youth pastor, summers can be the busiest time of year. My wife and I got ahead of the season by taking a mini vacation to Newport, Oregon. June brought in a wedding, graduations, baccalaureate's, and a mission trip to San Francisco with the senior high youth group. July brought in another wedding to officiate, a holiday weekend, two weeks of camps, and discovering the gender of our firstborn child. August brought us Mossyrock's Blueberry Festival (a very large opportunity for fundraising for our students), and the preparation of the upcoming school year, as well as preparing for my 2 weeks of vacation for hunting. Then it was late September and there I was, sitting in Texas, after just performing my third wedding of the summer. Sitting with dear friends.

I stopped and thought about what Lecie had asked. My mind raced through a hundred different thoughts. My heart didn't know which emotion to choose. In the blink of an eye, the whole summer flashed through my memory. Then I opened my mouth, and let every vulnerable thought and emotion come out through my words. I explained to my friends how hard this last summer had been. Up until then, only my wife had seen and heard my struggles. I shared with Heath and Lecie that every where I went, I thought about my mom. When I was a teenager, my mom and step dad would take the family on a two week vacation every summer. We traveled everywhere! One summer, we went completely around the state of Washington. Another summer took us through Oregon. Beaches, mountains, redwoods, ferry rides, rolling hills, lakes, rivers, all of these were destinations we sought out. And no matter what I was doing during the summer, everywhere I went reminded me of my mom. But the hardest part about all of it, was the random thought I would have as I drove past something that reminded me of her. The thought of, "Hey, you should call your mom and see what she's up to! Let her know that you just drove past ________." You can guess what it was like for me to be slapped by reality. All of us have moments where we talk to ourselves. The worst words I've shared with my self are, "You can't call her anymore."

July was by far the hardest month for me. It seemed like I was reminded of my mom constantly. You wouldn't believe how many times I thought about calling her. But you can probably guess how hard it was realizing the truth every time.
September has been a better month. I think I've really accepted reality. Thinking about her becomes easier. Talking about her with my wife is easier. Dreaming about her still rattles me though.

I was grateful that Lecie was truly interested in how I was handling the loss of my mom and uncle. I NEVER want to talk about things that make other people sad, so... I never told people how I was coping with things.

But I feel like now is a good time to communicate with people how I have been navigating the whole thing.
Now is also a good time for me to encourage others. If you have spent the last few minutes reading this, please note that caring for someone and asking them how they are handling a traumatic loss does not have to be scary. I was not offended by Lecie. When a caring individual asks a caring question, most people understand that it's all in love. I appreciated Lecie reaching out. If you are going through loss, please know, God's love brings us a peace that penetrates our pain and sorrows. This world didn't have an answer for me. The people closest to me offered love, but weren't able to remove the pain. God carried me through. He was and is, the only answer.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Mission Impossible

Allow me to prelude this post with the point of my blogs. As you can see, the title of my blog is, Honest thoughts pt. 1. I actually didn't realize that title would stay throughout all of my posts. I would like to remove the "pt. 1" from the title. Unfortunately, it's there and I'm just going to leave it that way! The title still gives readers the idea that all my posts are just thoughts that I may have throughout my life as a follower of Jesus Christ (the one who truly transformed my life), a husband, a youth pastor, and an outdoor enthusiast. I am writing this post based on a thought I had while preparing for our Junior High youth group service tonight. My goal behind this post, is to get you "thinking".

A gentlemen in our church was describing to me a conversation he had with his father. At the time, his father was 92 years old. The man asked his father something along the lines of, "Dad, how fast has 92 years gone by?" The fathers reply was, "You don't want to know!" The father was implying that it goes by very fast. 92 years old, he had lived a great life up to that point and passed shortly after that conversation. The son, who was in his 60's, was left pondering his own life and just how quickly it can come and go.

I would love to take this time to share how important our very actions are. How we can make a difference with this life or we can choose to let it pass us by. In the Bible, the author James writes, "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog-it's here a little while, then it's gone." (James 4:14, New Living Translation) The morning fog. That stuff that looms over Mossyrock, WA in the early winter and late spring. It usually hangs out until 10:00 or 11:00 AM then disappears. Fog, the cloud that drifts over the Golden Gate bridge and gives commuters and tourists a shorter field of vision, but then fades into the sea and sky. We're all aware of fog and it's vapor like presence. James is telling us to pay attention to today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. This life is short, make the most of the present! This is a great topic that deserves much attention...but...not today! Today, my thought goes a little further.

If this life we live, which seems to drag at times but then can then pass all too quickly at other times, is our main focus, then what is eternity like? I'm only 29 years old, but I've learned a few things in life.
1. I don't know as much as I think I do!
2. Solomon was wise by asking God for wisdom. (Think about that for a second!)
3. When I begin to tell others that I am humble, I run the risk of no longer being humble.
4. I have the greatest wife. I don't show her enough just how incredible she is and how much she means to me.

If this is what 28 years of living has shown me, what is eternity going to be like?

Now obviously trying to explain it would be "Mission Impossible". For starters, I cannot accurately describe eternity because I have not experienced it. In fact, I am not able to describe what 50 years is like.
So I begin my conclusion with this, try to wrap your brain around ETERNITY. The dictionary has two definitions; "Infinite or unending time" and "A state to which time has no application, timelessness". Umm, how does that work? Unending time, timelessness, but yet a state to which time has no application. Apparently the dictionary is unable to adequately describe eternity. Which is understandable, the dictionary was written by mankind, we're not the creators of eternity so we aren't able to put into words the definition of eternity.

For the sake of this post, I'm going to imagine eternity in Heaven. God has promised Heaven to those who accept Jesus Christ as Savior and live a life that brings God glory. So I sit here and ponder eternity in Heaven. I think about the individuals that will be there before me. I think about the aspect of time and not having an end. What will our schedules look like? What will it feel like to exist for so long? The thoughts grow more and more as I meditate on the topic.

This post isn't about making the most of your life right now. I'll save that for another day! This post has one purpose. To get you thinking about eternity. Just take a few moments today or maybe this week, to think about eternity. Some of you reading this may not believe as I do…that all of us will be spending eternity in one of two locations. I am not going to get that discussion started on this post. This isn't about whether or not you believe in Heaven or Hell, or if you don't believe in life after death. I would love to discuss such matters with any one who may have questions regarding the topic, just not on here! Nonetheless, you can still "think" about eternity regardless of what you believe.

Once you have thought about eternity and tried your best to understand it, think about your beliefs on eternity. If you would like a Christian perspective on the subject of Eternity and living a life based on the thought that we will spend eternity somewhere, read the book, Driven by Eternity written by John Bevere. It's an amazing book and I highly recommend it. But for starters, just take the time to focus on Eternity. I believe God wants all of us to have an eternal perspective as we live here on earth. If we can change our way of thinking to be focused on the "Bigger Picture", we'll notice a change in our hearts and behaviors. Problems in this world won't distract us so much.