After the loss.

"So, like, how are you doing with everything?"

"As far as...?"

"You know, with the loss of your mom and what not. We haven't really had a chance to see how you have been."

Lecie is someone that loves her friends and loves life. She believes laughing is important and enjoying good company is essential. She is a very free spirited, outgoing person. And she happens to be brave enough to ask me a question like the one she asked. I was spending time with Lecie and her husband Heath down in Texas. Just a few hours before this moment, we were all celebrating a wedding, which I was honored to be the officiate of. This was the last night all of us were going to be together before I flew home and they were to drive south. It was the first time we had a moment to really engage in meaningful conversation about what our lives were looking like.

Let me backtrack.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014. 4:00 pm.
As I prepared for our weekly junior high youth group, I had put on the movie Frozen over our projector. Several students showed up after school got out. The Youth Room was a place for them to find food and entertainment while waiting for youth group to start.

"Pastor Bryan, there is a guy here that wants to see you."

I approached the gentlemen at the door. He introduced himself as the Lewis County Chaplin. The next few moments of my life became the most difficult moments I've ever faced. Upon hearing about the Sheriff's Dept. finding my mom and uncle both deceased in my mothers home that morning, I quickly realized just how abruptly your life can change. I have never lost someone so close to me until I lost my mom. There isn't anything in this life that can prepare you or teach you how to handle a situation like that. I was instantly, and literally, crying out to God for comfort and strength.

The following weeks after my mothers death were incredibly busy. The church, community, and all of our friends and family surrounded us with the upmost love and support. I am still shocked, even as I write these words, at how many people reached out to me. But amidst all of the craziness, the services, packing her belongings, etc. my mind wasn't able to really grasp the reality.
Summer quickly rolled around. As a youth pastor, summers can be the busiest time of year. My wife and I got ahead of the season by taking a mini vacation to Newport, Oregon. June brought in a wedding, graduations, baccalaureate's, and a mission trip to San Francisco with the senior high youth group. July brought in another wedding to officiate, a holiday weekend, two weeks of camps, and discovering the gender of our firstborn child. August brought us Mossyrock's Blueberry Festival (a very large opportunity for fundraising for our students), and the preparation of the upcoming school year, as well as preparing for my 2 weeks of vacation for hunting. Then it was late September and there I was, sitting in Texas, after just performing my third wedding of the summer. Sitting with dear friends.

I stopped and thought about what Lecie had asked. My mind raced through a hundred different thoughts. My heart didn't know which emotion to choose. In the blink of an eye, the whole summer flashed through my memory. Then I opened my mouth, and let every vulnerable thought and emotion come out through my words. I explained to my friends how hard this last summer had been. Up until then, only my wife had seen and heard my struggles. I shared with Heath and Lecie that every where I went, I thought about my mom. When I was a teenager, my mom and step dad would take the family on a two week vacation every summer. We traveled everywhere! One summer, we went completely around the state of Washington. Another summer took us through Oregon. Beaches, mountains, redwoods, ferry rides, rolling hills, lakes, rivers, all of these were destinations we sought out. And no matter what I was doing during the summer, everywhere I went reminded me of my mom. But the hardest part about all of it, was the random thought I would have as I drove past something that reminded me of her. The thought of, "Hey, you should call your mom and see what she's up to! Let her know that you just drove past ________." You can guess what it was like for me to be slapped by reality. All of us have moments where we talk to ourselves. The worst words I've shared with my self are, "You can't call her anymore."

July was by far the hardest month for me. It seemed like I was reminded of my mom constantly. You wouldn't believe how many times I thought about calling her. But you can probably guess how hard it was realizing the truth every time.
September has been a better month. I think I've really accepted reality. Thinking about her becomes easier. Talking about her with my wife is easier. Dreaming about her still rattles me though.

I was grateful that Lecie was truly interested in how I was handling the loss of my mom and uncle. I NEVER want to talk about things that make other people sad, so... I never told people how I was coping with things.

But I feel like now is a good time to communicate with people how I have been navigating the whole thing.
Now is also a good time for me to encourage others. If you have spent the last few minutes reading this, please note that caring for someone and asking them how they are handling a traumatic loss does not have to be scary. I was not offended by Lecie. When a caring individual asks a caring question, most people understand that it's all in love. I appreciated Lecie reaching out. If you are going through loss, please know, God's love brings us a peace that penetrates our pain and sorrows. This world didn't have an answer for me. The people closest to me offered love, but weren't able to remove the pain. God carried me through. He was and is, the only answer.

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Mission Impossible

Allow me to prelude this post with the point of my blogs. As you can see, the title of my blog is, Honest thoughts pt. 1. I actually didn't realize that title would stay throughout all of my posts. I would like to remove the "pt. 1" from the title. Unfortunately, it's there and I'm just going to leave it that way! The title still gives readers the idea that all my posts are just thoughts that I may have throughout my life as a follower of Jesus Christ (the one who truly transformed my life), a husband, a youth pastor, and an outdoor enthusiast. I am writing this post based on a thought I had while preparing for our Junior High youth group service tonight. My goal behind this post, is to get you "thinking".

A gentlemen in our church was describing to me a conversation he had with his father. At the time, his father was 92 years old. The man asked his father something along the lines of, "Dad, how fast has 92 years gone by?" The fathers reply was, "You don't want to know!" The father was implying that it goes by very fast. 92 years old, he had lived a great life up to that point and passed shortly after that conversation. The son, who was in his 60's, was left pondering his own life and just how quickly it can come and go.

I would love to take this time to share how important our very actions are. How we can make a difference with this life or we can choose to let it pass us by. In the Bible, the author James writes, "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog-it's here a little while, then it's gone." (James 4:14, New Living Translation) The morning fog. That stuff that looms over Mossyrock, WA in the early winter and late spring. It usually hangs out until 10:00 or 11:00 AM then disappears. Fog, the cloud that drifts over the Golden Gate bridge and gives commuters and tourists a shorter field of vision, but then fades into the sea and sky. We're all aware of fog and it's vapor like presence. James is telling us to pay attention to today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. This life is short, make the most of the present! This is a great topic that deserves much attention...but...not today! Today, my thought goes a little further.

If this life we live, which seems to drag at times but then can then pass all too quickly at other times, is our main focus, then what is eternity like? I'm only 29 years old, but I've learned a few things in life.
1. I don't know as much as I think I do!
2. Solomon was wise by asking God for wisdom. (Think about that for a second!)
3. When I begin to tell others that I am humble, I run the risk of no longer being humble.
4. I have the greatest wife. I don't show her enough just how incredible she is and how much she means to me.

If this is what 28 years of living has shown me, what is eternity going to be like?

Now obviously trying to explain it would be "Mission Impossible". For starters, I cannot accurately describe eternity because I have not experienced it. In fact, I am not able to describe what 50 years is like.
So I begin my conclusion with this, try to wrap your brain around ETERNITY. The dictionary has two definitions; "Infinite or unending time" and "A state to which time has no application, timelessness". Umm, how does that work? Unending time, timelessness, but yet a state to which time has no application. Apparently the dictionary is unable to adequately describe eternity. Which is understandable, the dictionary was written by mankind, we're not the creators of eternity so we aren't able to put into words the definition of eternity.

For the sake of this post, I'm going to imagine eternity in Heaven. God has promised Heaven to those who accept Jesus Christ as Savior and live a life that brings God glory. So I sit here and ponder eternity in Heaven. I think about the individuals that will be there before me. I think about the aspect of time and not having an end. What will our schedules look like? What will it feel like to exist for so long? The thoughts grow more and more as I meditate on the topic.

This post isn't about making the most of your life right now. I'll save that for another day! This post has one purpose. To get you thinking about eternity. Just take a few moments today or maybe this week, to think about eternity. Some of you reading this may not believe as I do…that all of us will be spending eternity in one of two locations. I am not going to get that discussion started on this post. This isn't about whether or not you believe in Heaven or Hell, or if you don't believe in life after death. I would love to discuss such matters with any one who may have questions regarding the topic, just not on here! Nonetheless, you can still "think" about eternity regardless of what you believe.

Once you have thought about eternity and tried your best to understand it, think about your beliefs on eternity. If you would like a Christian perspective on the subject of Eternity and living a life based on the thought that we will spend eternity somewhere, read the book, Driven by Eternity written by John Bevere. It's an amazing book and I highly recommend it. But for starters, just take the time to focus on Eternity. I believe God wants all of us to have an eternal perspective as we live here on earth. If we can change our way of thinking to be focused on the "Bigger Picture", we'll notice a change in our hearts and behaviors. Problems in this world won't distract us so much.

To Be Rich

As Monday morning came with a brighter sky and tired eyes, my legs struggled to maneuver out of bed. I was recovering from an active weekend. By 7:00 AM I was in the weight room, preparing to torture my back muscles and try to get my mind and body to wake up! Forty five minutes later, I was in my house, wishing it was nap time already. Then I remembered that students were going to be showing up for Monday morning prayer very soon. I quickly showered and readied my self and the youth room. By 8:20 we said "Amen" and the students were heading out the door, and into their school. As they left, I sat down and thought, "How did I go from exhausted and tired, to absolutely charged and ready for the week in just minutes?" I started praying once more, praying for the students, praying for our town, praying for life in general, and in a single moment, I knew that God was the one enabling me to feel so full of life. It was one of those moments where vision came so clearly, compassion entered my heart and compelled me to love more. I was flooded with the thoughts and plans God had for me. I was almost distracted from praying by all the things I felt like God was leading me to do. "Call this guy, tell him you're worried about him and praying for him." "Let the high school office staff know you have their back and you want to spoil them today." Call the mom of the student who was taken by ambulance to the ER last night after youth group, make sure everything is alright with them." The thoughts kept coming.

Not only was I ready to tackle the plans God had for me, I could hardly contain the excitement I had to be part of them! In one simple sentence, I was rich. Rich with joy to love God's people. Rich with peace, knowing God was at work today, helping me change my self and others. Rich with compassion, seeing people as God saw them, full of potential and not cast out. Rich with an energy that felt as though I could run a marathon. Yes, after a morning where sleep sounded better than office work, my God poured His riches upon me and encouraged me to be the vessel He needed me to be.

I was taken to Psalm 1:1-3 "Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers. But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do." (NLT)

I felt like that strong tree, planted by the river, my roots were firm, my branches were receiving life, and my actions were the fruit, coming forth in all seasons. I had been focused on our God, drawing near to Him. His response to me was exactly what this scripture said it would be. Life, joy, richness, prosperity.
Unlike what the world chases, my riches are not found in money. In fact, take all my money away and I still have everything I mentioned above.

I challenge you to go back and reread that scripture. Then spend time meditating on the ways of our God. He will do just as the verses say, plant you by the river and bring you life and prosperity in every thing you do.

Be blessed today.

Peyton Manning, best QB ever?

Seeing as my blog is based on this "Honest Thoughts" series, I'll be sharing random thoughts that land themselves within my mind throughout the week!
This last Monday night, I had an open schedule, which doesn't happen often. My wife was hosting a Miche party over at the church leaving me home alone, and it was Monday night, leaving only one thing left for me to do. Watch Monday Night Football! The Denver Broncos were hosting the Oakland Raiders. The entire pre game show was focused on beating Peyton Manning and his seemingly infinite knowledge of defenses. For those of you unfamiliar with the NFL and its future hall of fame quarterback, Peyton Manning, he is, to say the least, one of the greatest who has ever played. He is most known for his ability to "audible" and change the play at the line of scrimmage. He looks over the defense, sees what they are lined up to dish out, and he will decide what play is best for countering their attack. It goes without saying that his athletic talent and ability to sling the pigskin is at a level most quarterbacks will never achieve. With that being said, here are some of my thoughts on this quarterback who has set new records during each of his first three games this season.
1. I admire Peyton Manning for his knowledge of defenses. He spends hours upon hours studying his next opponent. He has an answer for just about every play the opposition brings. Although he may not succeed on every snap of the ball, he has the upper hand before the game even starts.
2. He won't settle for just playing the game. He has admitted that when his passion for the game and desire to really compete leaves,  he will leave the NFL. ("As soon as I'm just hanging on or just playing to fill a certain amount of years, that's when I'll be out." Peyton Manning Still Going Strong, espn.go.com)
3. He won't settle for anything but giving his best. He is one of the greatest to play the game because of the work he puts into his job.
(Switch gears...)
How many people in this world are genuinely interested in being the best they can be in their current position?
As a youth pastor, my job includes visiting the schools and connecting with students. During the week, I may be asked to be a substitute teacher, I may be planning an event for our youth ministry, preparing for one of two weekly services for our junior and senior high students, or studying and praying for spiritual growth and seeking vision for our ministry and church.
I can't help but think- what if I strived to be the best I could possibly be by putting in the hours of preparation and study to counter my opposition. What if I knew what is going to happen before the devil sends it my way? Peyton Manning isn't just an example of how to be an all time great in the NFL, he is an example of how to be the best in any area of our lives.
Where is your passion? Are you striving to be the best or to just fill a gap? Are you putting in the hours to counter the oppositions attacks? Do you have the faith to say, "God can use me to break the mold, to set records, to be an ignition source for a wildfire of salvation"?
My thought: Be the best at what you do, not for recognition, not for having your name on a record plaque, but because God needs us to be at our best. His kingdom will grow when we give our best. His glory will be revealed in our lives with hours of prayer and study. Strive to be the best so others may see God.
Matthew 5:16- In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.
Go! Strive to be your best! Give God the glory!